my bleatings, new and improved, but the old shit retained

Edit to add

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 19:31:49 GMT

That's not strictly true, actaully. I have a crush on the 1962-1966 Paul McCartney, which poses obvious problems.

However, if I happen to bump into Doctor Who at some point, I am hi-jacking the Tardis and going back to the early 60's to do my best to jump him. Just sayin'.

I say I fancy Paul up until 1966, becasue something rather strange happened to him after then, and after extensive ~~bouts of~~ ~~drooling over~~ ~~lovely black and white Paul pics~~ research I am now of the Paul Is Dead camp. only1rad.proboards.com/index.cgi this is a good site.

There is no doubt he does look different, and what swings it for me, is would the geneous who wrote Yesterday go on to pen the Frog Chorus?

Although, I am a little fickle, as although it may not be the real Paul, I would so do the 'Faul' who appears in the videos for Strawberry Fields and Hello Goodbye. Woof woof.

Cushes.

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 13:55:10 GMT

I have a massive crush on Paul McCartney.

Writing the funny

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 14:31:03 GMT

About eleven years ago, I used to sit in pub/living rooms/street corners with a very lovely friend of mine, get drunk, say funny things and occasionally write them down.

About ten years ago, we realized one day that the things we had written down were actually rather funny and decided to actively try and write funny more things together.

The result was hundreds of comedy sketches, ideas for a sitcom, bits and bobs of various stand up material for me and the start of my book.

Things were going okay for a while and another writer wanted to work with us. Unfortunately, she turned out to be shit. She couldn't write at all, and was not funny in the slightest. She was also a bit bonkers and more than a little frightening. Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer were doing Randal and Hopkirk at the time, and she ran the official website. She was often on set for the second series and I went along with her a few times. She was a little obsessed with Vic Reeves and ended up screaming at me over the fact that lovely Vic Reeves was talking to me lots (we got on really well, Jim is a lovely, lovely man and I have a few of his brilliant drawings hanging in my study) and getting herself removed from the set. She then ended up stalking me for a while, and bad mouthing me to some producers I was in talks with. One of them being Nira Park, whom I had met when my writing partner and I blagged extras work on the second series of Spaced.

So, that soured everything a little. Then some really bad stuff occurred in my life. Then some enormously bad things happened to me, and kind of snowballed and carried on rolling down the mountain, turned into an avalanche crushing everything in it's wake until, well, now. Ish. You know what I mean.

To cut to the chase, I am going to give comedy writing another shot.

Probably not the stand up.

Or maybe the stand up.

I am a little undecided on that.

Am I too old? I don't look 29. Maybe I would be ok.

Bitchy wobbles

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 08:24:58 GMT

There is one person who I know who really, really grates on me. You know the kind of person that has the most perfect life and makes everytihng in your life look shit in comparison? Well, that is what she is like.

The trouble is, I know that no ones life is actually perfect, that she probably has her own crap to deal with, so it's the veneer of 'oh gosh, I am so perfect, everything is just wonderful' that rubs me up the wrong way.

Plus, her child is a nasty little bully and tries to wrestle Budd to the floor at every opportunity, which she does absolutley nothing about as she thinks the sun shines out of her perfect offsprings arse, so I am getting a little bored of the whole situation.

She is so far removed from her veneer of perfectness that is is not even funny. She is quite a nice person, but deep down, I think, very insecure. Whatever she/her kids does has to be better than the same thing someone else is doing. Her son (same age as Budd) is learing guitar as well, he has to be better at it than Budd. He is also home educated, the level of work has to be harder. He has to do more/better versions of Budds activities, have more firends. It is getting a little laughable now.

The worst thing is, I thinks she thinks I give a shit about what her family do, when I really don't. I give a shit that the one sided competiviness ruins every Wednesday for me, but that's as far as it goes.

I know I sound like a cow.

Grow up

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 13:13:38 GMT

I am in one of my incredibly childish, petulant no-body-understands-me moods and I can't seem to shake it.

I actively avoided other adults last week, as I knew I would get a strop on and be inflammatory just for the sake of it.

I am getting that feeling about tomorrow. Oh, the joys of home ed, another athletics session for the kids. Parents don't have to stay, bit with this being such a rural county, there is little choice but to hang around and chat, having traveled so far to get to some god-forsaken leisure center there is no point in going home only to turn around half way there to come back and collect your child.

So, I have to trot along tomorrow and listen, nod and smile to tales of christmas business, the tribulations of middle class parenting and the best way to grow courgettes. It drives me fucking insane.

Most of the other parents are quite nice, but I just don't fit in. It's not so much to do with age anymore, even though I am the youngest mother there I am now hurtling towards 30 at an alarming rate, so I don't get treated like a happy little imbecile as I used to when I was in my early 20s with a child in tow. It's more a conflict of interests.

I can't explain it, I never can.

But I am bloody dreading it.

It's that time of year again

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 09:37:02 GMT

Gah, would I be showing my age terribly if I could never type that sentence without a certain Stereophonics song being stuck in my head for hours afterwards?

Anyhow, it's the time of year when I need to decide who will adorn the top of my xmas tree.

Over the years we have had Harry Potter, David Tennant, Gary Oldman, Frankie Boyle, Eddie Izzard, Bill Bailey, Dylan Moran and one year, for some unknown reason, Richard Madley. Oh, and lets not forget xmas 1999, where we made a spectacluar fairy from the remains of a loo roll doll and a cardboad effigy of Jo Brand.

Who shall we have this year?

Also, today I will be attempting to supress the doom crisis that exists in my head by going into Norwich and blowing an obscene amount of money on books and dvds in Borders. I had a look back for entries from last December, and I don't know if I should laugh or cry at the fact that I was doing the same thing almost exactly the same time last year, only there are remarkably less hairbo being consumed this time round. A good thing, as it means I have beaten my starmix addiction, yay! (Could I be any less rock and roll? I don't get addicted to booze, fags or drugs, oh no, I go and get addicted to a childrens sweets. Only the hard shit for me. Fgs).

Will it never end

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 17:46:08 GMT

I thought my little third life crisis (at least one hopes 30 is not 'mid' life) that appeared two years ago and sent me hurtling off around the world like a ball in a pin ball machine was over. Alas, it has just been simmering away, with only my recluse like beaviour to keep it stuffed down.

It has returned with startling severity this week, which has me pondering what usually brings it on, the thought of Christmas, another New Year or my birthday?

I am 30 in february. Shall I

a) try and attack the writing thing with gusto and give it one last shot
b) resign myself to the fact that I have been trying to write for 11 years now and have got absolutley no where (to be fair that's probably because none of it has ever seen the light of day)

or

c) just keep on going along as I have been, getting no where and meet you back here this time next year with a remarkably similar post?

BANG BANG BANG

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 12:10:10 GMT

Brick wall; head.

And......repeat.

More cake and beer

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 10:55:13 GMT

We had a fabulous, wonderful, amazing weekend. A house full of lovely people, a massive vat of chili, a pile of devilshly squidgy cupcakes, 240 bottles of Heineken export and seven hour stretch of playing Singstar is what it takes to make me happy. Also, having people over who are willing to stay up until 6am being daft and drinking, rather than wanting to bugger off to bed at 11 was a very welcome change, and one I embraced fully.

You know you are having a great time when you inexplicably lose five hours of your life. One second we were watching the endo of the X factor and plugging in the playstation in preparation to sing Queen songs until our thraots bled, and the next second someone asked what the time was ans it was 3am. Time flies and all that.

I was in tears after they all left on Sunday though. The three of us were just sat in our big, empty house and for a little while it all seemed a bit laughable. It even fucking echos, how daft is that? It is so nice to actually have the house filled with people for a change, but when they are all gone, it feels like a big black hole once again.

As usual, I have spent the past few days hiding away and feeling really sorry for myself. I could not face a homeschool thing on tueday, so we had a naughty day at home eating cake and watching Spaced instead. Oh, and some bugger crashed into the side of my car, which further reinforced my theory that I should only leave the house under exceptional circumstances, say, in a Zombie attack or similar.

I now realise what this self imposed three year exile has been about. I mean, I know why I have spent the past three years living like a hermit, I just haven't admitted it to myself. I have been hiding away from the world because I hate having to face my life. Gah, I can't explain it. But I am going to stop it, because it is all getting a bit silly.

There was a very confusing aspect to the weekend as well, which made me think about the hiding away thing, which I cannot write in here as I am not too sure who reads this. I have had a few things repeated back to me over the years by friends who have left LJ, but who still read other friends entries, so I am a little paranoid. But, lets just say that the past gave me a big hard slap on the cheek and then ran away laughing, because the past is a great big bastard like that.

Cakes

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 14:49:11 GMT

Ok, so I am feeling a little brighter today. But only because I have spent the day making another mighty pile of cakes for the coming weekend, and I am whipped up into a frenzy of excitment over seeing four wonderful friends tomorrow, and having them to myself for the entire weekend. (Shit, that sounds a bit demented, I am not planning on locking them in the panty or anything).

I am not nervous and het up about these people coming, becasue I love them. And, they don't have kids, so they are not going to talk about schools/babysitters/organic veg! They all adore Bud though, one of the guests is his god-father, and the adoration is mutual and Bud is foaming at the mouth with excitment. Or maybe rabies, it's hard to tell. We have a weekend of cake, singstar, booze and general frivolity planned.

Nikki and James who came down last weekend are great, but they are very middle of the road late 30 somethings, and I feel I always have to be on my guard around them. The kids are around the same age, and they just can't see that the way Mark, Bud and I live our lives is OK, as it is so different from theirs. I feel as though I have to try and pretend to be something I am not around them and it is exhausting.

Oh, and more excitement, I am going to see Frankie Boyle after all! I got the last two tickes that Ipswich theatre had which was insanley lucky.

Off to ~~eat~~ ice the cakes.

Help

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 11:24:30 GMT

Actually, I need saving from the drudgery. Not from my little toast eating/traveling/shuffling along quite happpily life, but from other people that I know.

People keep mentioning my 30th. I don't know what I want, but I do know that I don't want to spend it sitting in a resteraunt in Windsor with other 30 something mothers talking about league tables and the price of polo shirts.

None of my femaile friends husbands or partners like me. It is glaringly obvious, they think if their wives hang around me too much they will stop cooking them dinner and pull thier kids out of school and start backpacking.

I am not seeing Dylan Moran in London at all this month as no one I know has even heard of him, the only other person who loves him as much as me is Budd, but it would be a tad innapropriate to see him.

Frankie Boyle is doing the Ipswich Regent Theatre next year. I mentined it to some friends (well, aquaintences really from one of Buds classes) who got all excited about how great the Regent is as it's so small - hurrah I thought - but then started talking about seeing the Snow Queen there instead. The only one who had heard of Frankie Boyle called him a foul mouthed semi retard who should have his gigs boycotted :(

What am I going to do? Shall I just stop kicking out and start cooking the dinner, worrying about the price of organic veg and only traveling when my husband can accompany me? Cos even though it would probably kill me to do it, it would be better than feeling like this.

Another year for Budd rounded off by CAKE CAKE CAKE!

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 10:29:51 GMT

I cannot believe my child is 7. Therefore, I must be old enough to have a seven year old child, but I still don't feel it. Christ, I am going to be 30 in a couple of months. It's all making me feel a little sick.

We had a fantastic party for him on Saturday though. Lots of his friends, and their parents all stayed to mingle as well, which was great. We had a lady from the Zoo come round and do a bug party, with spiders, creepy crawlies and snakes. One massive parce the parcel, many games of musical bumps and a heap of party food and everyone had a great time. Everyone bar the cats that is, who were banished to the spare room. The nosey buggers would have had a field day with the spiders.

The only trouble is, I have come out of it all feeling rather flat, as I often do when I have spent a substantial amount of time with other adults. You know the kind of conversations that go on; schools, mortgages, wine, books*, politics - all the topics that make me want to curl up into a ball and die. They are all lovely people, but they all take life so seriously, where as I just bound about all day eating toast wondering how much more I can scrounge from Barclaycard to run off traveling to next. Is it me that has the problem?

I am having a couple of days of cripling self doubt at any rate. I should be like those people - my friends - but I am just not.

My friend Nikki and her husband came up from Windsor with their two kids to stay for the whole weekend. They are lovely, and it was great seeing them, but it magnified the differences for me. I should care about the things they do, mortgages, money, pansions fucking C02, but I find it so hard. It was quite exhausting having conversations with them, Mark found it a bit frustrating as well. Especially when the dreaded words 'home education' are mentioned. It is not something I talk about by the way, ever, unless it is brought up, which it invariably is. It gets on my wick being called 'brave' all the time, I am not a war hero. When ever we speak to people with kids at school, most of the conversations are them banging on about how wonderful thier kids school is, like we will suddenly see the light and go "wait! we thought all schools were akin to Nazi death camps! You mean to say they are alright? Bugger me, sign him up for Monday then!". It is infuriating. I just nod and smile and try not to keep looking at my watch.

Something else at the weekend which really upset me was the other subject I dread, "When are you going to have another baby?". I like Nikki, so I did not respond with "and why do you feel the need to ask?". That comment (and belive me, when you have one chil and then do not do the decent thing and have another 2-4 years later, you get it a lot) can get me down for days as well. It was even worse this time, as it was on Buds birthday, a day which holds the worst memories of my life (he almost died at birth and was in intensive care for three weeks afterwards) so I am still reeling from it.

A few years ago, I kind of acepted that I wasn't like a lot of people I know. My only requirements in life are the ability to buy as much cake and pizza as I like, none of my close family having cancer or any other horrible disease and to see as much of the world as I can. That's it really. I don't give a stuff about much else in life to be honest.

And despite of all the homeschooling, traveling the world, being allowed to watch Mock the Week and being mates with his parents ans coming to gigs, festivals and pretty much everywhere with us, guess who once again was the lovliest, chatties, funniest, well behaved and polite child all weekend? Bud. So even if I am a bit different to the norm, somehow I have managed to bring up a considerate and caring child.

I can't remember what the point to this post is, but do you want to see the cakes I made? I am very pround of them, and they tasted great. (have tried to down load the pic here, but it is not having any of it, have a facebook link instead http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=9624595&l=f44c6f4722&id=756980323)

*Now, books I like. But they talk about the kind of books which are featurd in the Guardian, not the kind of books I love. No one ever wants to talk to me abut Poe. I love a bit of Poe. Ray Bradbury, Robert Rankin, Jasper Fforde, Oscar Wilde, George Orwell, Margrett Altwood. Never a mention. But say you loved the Kite Runner, and they all come in their pants. People tend to look at me like I am illiterate, even when these conversations take place IN MY SODDING LIBRARY. Maybe they think they are not real books we have, but cardboard spines put there for effect?

Too much telly

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 23:46:10 GMT

Watching random episodes of Mock the Week on my laptop.

Look over to the telly and lo, Mock the Week is on there as well.

I do love Frankie Boyle. Double Frankie Boyle is all the better.

Dear poor, neglected journal...

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 14:35:16 GMT

Wow.

Totally forgot about LJ. Again.

Not that anything worth noting has happend to me over the past few months. I've not written anything remotley funny or interresting, or infact done anything much other than the day to day real life stuff.

I have written lots of lesson plans and worksheets though. I am doing all the work or a teacher and an administrator fo no pay. But, at least I never have to be up for the school run.

Life has just been pootling along. I try not to stand still for too long actaully, or I look around myself and it all seems a little absured.

Will try to write some more in here next week. The trouble is, I do so much typing, reading. writing for planning Buds lessons that to do any of those things for fun right now just seems so alien. We are doing nouns, verbs and adjectives this term, and I have to try insanley hard to look at a passage of text and not mentally underline them.

Oh, and talking of Bud he will be SEVEN on the 22nd. HOW????? I don't know where the years are going.

Fucking hell, see, standing still for a second here and the panick is sweeping in.

V festival

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 15:04:55 GMT

BRANDON!!! The Killers were awsome.

Gosh, it is hard to belive that another year has gone by. Another year, another trip to Chelmsford. The Killers, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, the Streets, McFly (LOL!) and a host of others. I wanted Budd to finally be able to see Oasis play live. I was 15 when Oasis first appeared on the scene, so it would have been great to be able to share something from my adolecence with my son., hoever, Oasis pulled out of Chelmsford due to illlness. Hmmmm, who wants to take bets that Liam and Noel had a barny after the Staffordshire gig and refused to play the next night because THEY ARE BOTH A PAIR OF USLESS TITS. Grrrrrrr.

The organisers of V made a spectacular mistake by putting Lady Gaga in the Areana tent though, it was rammed. They had to shut off the entrance to the field the tent was in due to so any people wanting to see her, all you could hear were the crowds on the otherside hammering on the huge metal fences, if one of them had of fallen, people would have been trampled to death. She was brilliant, I saw the top of her head a couple of times, but there are no screens in the tents, they are badly laid out, so it was a bit shit really. She should have been on one of the main stages, I do not know what they were thinking. I sent Mark into the throng with the camera though, so we got some good pics.

Cue LOTS of BOOOOOOOOOOs when the above announcement was put up

Buddy had a fab time.

Lady Gaga!

this was sent in secerecy.........ooo-errrrr

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 21:55:42 GMT

1. Can you cook? Yes and no. I can if I try to. But I usually just put stuff in the microwave. I can make recipies up pretty well - baby new pots roasted with rosemary, thyme, garlic, red peppers, bacon and feta went down well at the weekend, but it was not planned, I just chucked everything I could find in the fridge into the oven. I can also follow a recipe pretty well, unless I get bored or it has an accompanying picuture of Jamie Oliver looking smug and holding root vegatables, then I have been known to abandon recipes half way through and throw the book across the room. Although, there was once an unfortunate incident with a bag of Quorn chicken style peices and a jar of Madar Jafrey curry paste that ended with us having plain pasta and a tin of Green Giant sweetcorn for dinner instead. My dirty secret is that I sometimes buy pre-prepared food and pass it off as my own to guests.

2. What was your dream growing up? I wanted to act and write. I was very good, but my confidence was shattered horribly somewhere down the line, but it is a very long and boring story.

4. Favorite place? The mid Queensland coast, Australia. I also have a fondness for Yangshou in China.

5. Favorite vegetable? Broccoli.

6. What was the last book you read? Hard to say as I always have a couple on the go at any one time. I tend to be more into non fiction though, but that tends to change month to month. Tonight I was reading about Nikoli Teslas' involvement in the Philidelphia project.

7. What zodiac sign are you ? Aquarius

8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? None at all, I have a phobia about jewelry. I cannot have it near me, let alone attached to me.

9. Worst Habit? Biting my nails.

11. What is your favorite sport? I cannot abide sport, either doing or watching.

12. Negative or Optimistic attitude? Negative. Compleley. My glass is empty and I will swoop yours up and stick it in the dishwasher if you don't watch out.

14. Worst thing to ever happen to you? My son being whisked away to intensive care at two hours old and then spending the night with nurses not bothering to ring down and find out he was alive or dead for me, then having to stuggle out of bed after haveing a ceasarean section to find out myself and being shouted and sworn at for heamouraging and getting blood on the floor. God bless the NHS, eh?

15. Tell me one weird fact about you: I have ammazingly small ears.

16. Do you have any pets? Two dogs, two cats. two guinea pigs

17. Do you know how to do the macarena? The awful thing is ... I think I do.

18. What time is it where you are now? 22:48

19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Scary.

20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? My scars would go.

21. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? Oh, crime partner. I always route for the baddies in films

22. What color eyes do you have? very dark brown

23. Ever been arrested? Certainly not. I consider it a sign of lack of imagination.

24. Bottle or Draft? Bottle. I do like a bottle of Becks

25. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it? Put it towards moving from here

26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew? I don't like it. I looses its taste too fast.

28. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes, my house is haunted.

29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time? All my time is spare time these days.

30. Do you swear a lot? All the fucking time. I have to curb it around small children.

31. Biggest pet peeve? Disloyalty.

32. In one word, how would you describe yourself? Blah.

I know I should grow up

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 09:57:04 GMT

But Gary Oldman? How could you not LOVE him?

I had a very heated debate over who ws the hottest out of Gary Oldman and Alan Rickman (and Malfoys' dad) with a friend last night after watching the new Harry Potter. I feel I was at a slight disadvantage in the fact that Gary Oldman obviously isn't in the new film, but he has to win hands down, every time.

He is seriously hot in every film he is in. If you havent seen him in 'Sid and Nancy' run out and do so, he was fab.

Rufus Hound does Jeremy Kyle

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 09:12:57 GMT

Ahhh, yesterday was very, very funny.

Rufus was excellent, as were the rest of the panel as they joked their way through the sunday papers.

One very funny momnet was when they were talking about the police and a memeber of the audience started taking about being burgled a few days ago, 'twas a very funny story, the man had met a random stranger on the way home from the pub, invited him back for a glass of wine, fell asleep and woke up to find the man had robbed him. It was made even funnier by the fact the man couldn't see how he'd walked right into it. Cue four comedians almost weeping with joy this comedy gift from god, and filling the next 20 mins with the story, with Rufus on hand in the audience, playing Jeremy Kyle with the microphone.

Rufus is very yummy.

We then pootled down to Gabriels Warf, took up residence at a table outside a pub and then sat there for the next 8 hours getting drunk and talking shit.

I missed the last train home and stayed in the Holiday Inn round the corner.

Did I mention that Rufus Hound is rather yummy?

This weekend........

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 16:32:03 GMT

I have been bloody treating myself, for I deserve it.

Started last night in a terribly ~~chavvy~~ classy fashion by taking the family out to a tacky chain resteraunt in Bury St Edmunds (Frankie and Bennys, I know, I know BUT they do the most delicious thin and lovely garlic pizza bread), chowed down on some ghasly faux American food and very worryingly got ever so slightly tipsy on ONE pint of Stella top. You would never guess that I am a member of the club at the Ivy, would you?

Today, I have spent at home, mainly lounging on my bedroom sofa pootling about on the internet drooling over the singer from the Kaiser Chiefs (I tend to have a new crush every couple of weeks, Ricky seems to have moved back up to first place as of this morning) and have just had the longest bath ever using obscene amounts of bath products, and shampoo and conditioner that cost as much as a second hand car.

Seeing as I am being so so so nice to myself, I am going to indulge in the ultimate crappy treat for dinner, McDonalds chips dunked in chocolate milkshake. So disgusting, but sooooooo yummy. Go on, try it, you have no idea to the amount of people whom I have turned to the dark side of dunking fries.

Tomorow, I am going to see Rufus Hound at Southbank and then I am going to eat at Canteen and get totally and utterly sozzled with one of my favourite friends. Although, we are meeting for brunch at 10am, so I guess I will be a little bit tipsy by the time Rufus hits the stage.

Then on monday, I m going to have to embark on a diet. I seem to have materialised a stone in weight from somewhere, and lord knows how many more pounds this weekend will have added to them. Bugger.

inappropriate comedy moments

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 21:08:20 GMT

Stevie Wonder at Michael Jacksons' funeral ~~fiasco~~ service : 'This is a day that I wished I would not be alive to see'

LOL!!

What I wanted to see was Giles with slicked back hair and 1950's glasses

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 08:55:18 GMT

....and what I got was the French Revolution. Very interesing, and yes, Giles did look pretty sexy in those beige trousers, but come on BBC, when are you going to show the 1950's episode? I need to see it.

Oh my, waiting around for anything is terrible, but it all pails into comparisom with what we are waiting for this morning. I have a man from the Local education authority coming to check up on our homeschooling. In theory, I have nothing to worry about, and should be skipping merrily over daisy fields as we have so much school work to show him, as well as our plans for next year. I shouldn't actually be worrying at all, as we 1) these visits are not compulsory (yet) anyway and 2) we do far, far more than any other home educating family I have met.

So, why do I feel like I am being led toward the chopping block?

inappropriate facebook behavior

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 22:17:49 GMT

Does anyone else ever get an urge to update their facebook status with something totally inappropriate just for the sheer hell of it?

I long to type in 'xxxx has just done a really big shit' or 'xxxx has an amazingly itchy arse'.

A "friend" (haven't seen or spoken to her since we were 10) just updated with 'XXXX really wants what se can't have'. I had to close down facebook for fear of replying 'what? A great fat shag, or a nosejob?'

I got ishooos

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 17:14:49 GMT

I am writing an article at the moment about the growing number of people who are choosing to throw away their televisions.

I have asked some people who have done so, to answer a few questions for me for the article, just so I can get a few quotes in and make it sound a little more balanced.

It was supposed to have a bit of a humerous take on things, however, the more I try to get into writing it, the more depressed I become.

Reading through peoples responses to my questionare has had me really questioning my own life, and not in a good way.

Responses such as "instead of watching televison. my partner and I chat and have a laugh together in the evenings" and "I found I did not have enough time for televison, what with work, socialising, the gym etc" have made me feel just awful about my own life.

I thought I was just innocently bobbing along quite liking the odd comedy programme and quite enjoying sitting with a cuppa and taking the piss out of slebs on this morning. Turns out I have time to do this as I have absolutley no life, and have come to the conclusion that no, I would not rather sit and chat to my husband (when he is in the country for longer than five seonds) I would actually, rather not be married to him at all.

One comment that really stood out was "now that I do not own a televison, I have rediscovered my love of reading and creative writing". Bugger, there is something seriously wrong with my life if I manage to fit in at least 6 hours of television a day, as well as reading up to two novels per week, as well as spending a large portion of my day writing. Plus, I spend most of the 16 or so hours my son is awake talking to him.

If you add in the inordinate amount of time I spend on facebook, rightmove, BBC i player and You Tube, oh, and cleaning my dusty old house and bemaning how bored I am, you would think I lived on a different planet and had 48 hours in the day instead of 24.

I am either fucking fantastic at multitasking, or my life is exceedingly empty.

Tell you what though, that article is going to be a barrell of laughs.

Blimey

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 21:44:08 GMT

This is us at the Summer Palace in Beijing. Almost three months ago now. I was looking through the traveling photos, it feels like we never went anywhere to be honest.

Crap picture, I look like I have buiders' arms (I so don't!) and my normal sized child looks like a sumo wrestler.

Fucking BBC!

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 20:03:56 GMT

No Giles fix due to sodding Wimbledon apparently, bloody hell.

So not fair! God, I actually think I may cry.

I might need help.